As a loyal wife, you tell the police that they have the wrong person and you will not cooperate with them based on their lack of any evidence tying your husband to the murder. You continue taking your kids to school, soccer practice, and life goes on as usual.

Three years later after serious issues with your marriage, you divorce your husband. The police approach you again, and this time you consent to a search of your property. The remains of eleven men are found.  You go on Oprah to say, “I had absolutely no idea. There were no signs.”

Sounds crazy, huh? This was the real-life story of Julie Baumeister.  Police believe that her husband may be tied to the disappearances of gay men in Indianapolis in the ‘90s. As a teenager, I remember seeing the interview on Oprah and thinking, “How could she not know. There had to be signs!”  Years later, the Oprah show interviewed her again. This time, she admitted that there were definitely signs.

Julie had been married to her husband for over 20 years. They met in college and were married a few years later. "We did everything together," she says. "He would push the mower, and I would trim the bushes." Her husband did make several trips to the city, but it was always explained as a work trip. Aside from that, there was a day when her 13 year-old son came to her with a skull. When she followed him to see where he found it, she also saw bones.

When Julie confronted her husband, he explained it away by saying that they were from a medical school skeleton once owned by his dad, a former anesthesiologist. Julie, satisfied with the answer, never pressed the issue any further.

So what makes Julie any different from any of us? Sure, we may not been with a murderer, but we have all ignored the signs that flash in our faces or the actions of a loved one.  We have justified the unjustifiable by altering our perspectives, pushing it to the back of our minds, changing the subject, or recreating reality with memories that stress the good side of a person or focus on their potential.

I have a friend who sat in meeting after meeting at AA, before he called himself an alcoholic. He referred to his heavy drinking before going out by calling it "pre-gaming".  While he listened to stories from men and women at the meetings, he opted out of being an alcoholic with statements like, “At least I’m not like him” or “I have never done anything like that” or “He drinks way worse than I do!”  or "At least I never drank the cooking sherry or mouthwash."  The day that one person had his exact same story, childhood, behaviors, and outlook, he could no longer hide from the truth that he too, was an alcoholic.

All of us partake in the “opting out” method. We use twists, lies, and differences in perspectives to place space in between ourselves and the next person.  Whether your significant other is abusing you, cheating on you, disrespecting you, or lying to you, ignoring a sign is ignoring a sign, no matter how you spin it.

“Oh my God, I’m so fat!”

“My thighs look like cottage cheese!”

“I hate my arms!”

These are statements that you almost never hear coming out of the mouths of men.  In general, women degrade our bodies on a much broader scale than men.  We do it to ourselves, to other women, and some of us do it to our own children.

We can also pass on our own insecurities by being overly preoccupied with out weight or appearance.  Little kids think the world of their moms and dads. They look at us as beauty queens and super heroes.  So when then they see us calling ourselves fat, grunting at the mirror, eating cereal for dinner to squeeze into a dress, or jumping on the latest diet bandwagon, it makes them question their own beauty and weight. If their mom’s aren’t good enough, how can they possibly be good enough?

Commercials and magazines definitely don’t make it easier. Nowadays, almost every magazine airbrushes inches off of thighs, sharpens cheekbones, erases stretch marks, and cinches waists.  We can’t go a night without watching commercials about women eating yogurt or cereal to lose weight, or watching the latest celebrity with an endorsement by Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig.

So when I watched the new Dove Ad, it put things into a completely different perspective.  An FBI profiler draws women based on what they say about themselves, which includes: “My chin kind of protrudes a little bit, especially when I smile.” “I kind of have a fat rounder face.”

Whether we refuse to see our mistakes or refuse to see our greatness, we are not seeing ourselves for who we are.  When we put ourselves down, we ignore our own gifts and dismiss our beauty. I see it all of the time when people are given compliments. Instead of feeling grateful and whole, we insert an excuse or diminish our light.

Your cake is amazing!                     “The recipe was really easy.”

Your dress is stunning!                  “You like this? It’s old.”

Your hair looks amazing!               “You don’t see the frizz in the back?!”

When are YOU going to start accepting and embracing your beauty and your strength. The next time someone pays you a compliment, don’t minimize their words. Simply say, “Thank you.”  And if you are a parent, you owe it to your children to look in the mirror tonight and say, “I look incredible.”

In fourth grade, I remember sitting wide-eyed as my classmate talked about her mom. She said that if her uncle died, she would be devastated but if her mom died, she wouldn’t be as hurt. She then made the bold statement that she loved her uncle more than her mother. I remember thinking that this was the craziest thing I’d ever heard. I remember thinking that everyone in this world loved their mom.  I blurted out to her, “You have to love your mom more.”

It wasn’t until I was in high school that I began to understand that everyone’s family structure was not necessarily like my own. It became clear when I began working for a non-profit organization called, Children’s Express. As teenagers, we traveled all over the country to interview people. Our goal was to give the statistics a face. That’s when I met “Claire”.  She was pale with short hair and glasses. At the age of fifteen, she had acne all over her face. But it was what I saw sixty seconds after I sat down that stayed with me. Just beneath her wrist, Claire had her entire first name carved into her arm. I couldn't imagine how anyone could do that to themselves. In the next thirty minutes, I found out why.

I immediately asked her about her arm. I had never even heard of the term "cutting" before. As her story unfolded, I learned more about why she was at the group home.  On her twelfth birthday, her father came into her room and said, “It’s time for you to learn about what you will need to do for your husband.” And with those words, she was raped by her father.

The abuse continued with her father bringing his friend and his friend’s 16 year-old son to sleep with her. When Claire told her mom what happened, her mother refused to believe her. After two suicide attempts, Claire was finally pulled from her home. When I met her, she was living in a group home in Texas. Her father had never been removed from the home and did not receive jail time.

Claire’s experience taught me that the definition of love and of family, can be completely different depending on who you talk to. In second grade, my paradigm of love, family, and the world was drastically different from the way it is right now. I have learned that some people love their uncles more than their moms, and they have every right to do so. As we meet people who may not be in touch with their mom, dad, or various family members, it is important for us to remember that not all families are like ours. Some individuals do not communicate with certain family members for specific reasons. It is unfair to measure our own experiences against the experiences of others. There may be experiences, memories, emotions, and unresolved issues in their lives that we may never be privy to. We shouldn’t judge others by the family they have in their lives, but by the qualities and characteristics they possess today.

The one thing I have learned from my friends is that divorce can be one of the most insane times in a person’s life. That time in between your separation and the first year after you are divorced….my friends refer to that as “crazy time.”  It’s like being trapped in a snow globe and helplessly watching as someone grabs you and gives you six good shakes.  The crazy time is the time it takes for your thoughts, friendships, memories, and feelings to settle down so you can breathe again.

For a lot of my friends, going through a divorce was something they were completely unprepared for. At one point, they found themselves thinking for two, planning for two, combining families, gaining new friends, and having visions of growing old with their significant others.  Somewhere between the “I do” and the visions, they found themselves alone, cooking for one, and sleeping in a bed that was suddenly way too big for just one person.  

Separation can feel like limbo. You aren’t totally together and married and then again you aren’t truly divorced yet. It’s a time that can send your emotions from zero to 60 in a matter of seconds. Case in point: my friend, “Lisa.” She recalls being in an ice cream shop when a guy walked up to her and struck up a conversation. As they made their way to the front of the line, he asked her if she was married. Just then, her thoughts and emotions went haywire.  “Am I really married when I haven’t seen my husband in months? But technically I still love him and want to get back together and besides, by law we are still married. But are we really married when he has moved on and has told me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore…” And before she knew it, she was reduced to tears in the middle of an ice cream shop on a Saturday afternoon.

For a lot of people, divorce is like a death: You lose friends, family, pets, time with your kids, and sometimes you lose the sense of who you are. But just like everything in life, it all gets better with time. 

Divorce is not all bad. There are plenty of people who come out on the other side with a greater sense of who they are, what they want, and what they won’t settle for ever again. When a friend of mine found himself consumed by self-pity, shame, sadness, and anger, his friend (who was also divorced) took him for a ride and gave him a perspective that changed everything for him.

“The best part of a divorce is the fact that you get to reinvent yourself. You get to be whoever you want from this day forward. You don’t have to be “the divorced guy” or the person who just got out of a failed marriage. You don’t have to be depressed or feel sorry for yourself. You can change all of that today and decide to learn from everything you’ve been through and begin to formulate the person you want to be.”

The same is true for every single person reading this blog. After any break-up, you have the choice whether to allow it to consume you or enable it to help you become the person you have always wanted to be. The choice is yours.  Your voice, your passion, your happiness are all out there waiting for you.

“Of course you are gay! If you let another man touch you then you are totally gay.”

“I can understand a woman experimenting in college but if it is a guy then he is definitely gay!”

“Even if you kiss a person of the same sex, then you are gay.”

What was missing from the discussion was the gray area. I wondered what people at this party say to a teenager who was molested or perhaps raped by his male cousin?  What exactly is the rule when someone of your same gender touches you in a spot that is supposed to be off limits and you are seven years-old...and it happens over and over and over.

For the past sixteen years I have come in contact with countless men and women whose lives have been forever changed, not by strangers, but by family members or friends of the family who have touched them, kissed them, and violated them in every way possible. Most of the cases involved same sex touching. Can you imagine the thoughts that have plagued them throughout the years when it comes to their own sexuality?

In my work, I expect that no matter where I am, at least half of the people in the room have most likely been molested. Some have revealed it to me in private, others are open to sharing with the group, and some have told only one or two people.  So when I hear people placing a label on hypothetical individuals who they have never met, it pains me because I always think about the kids and adults who are still processing events that they had no control over.

Whether it is a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or father figure, our fantastical and idealistic notions elevate them from mere mortal to something entirely different. We let them take on the role of superhuman and superheroes. They become figures in our lives who are incapable of mistakes and bad choices.

There is that moment in our life where the expectations, ideals, and fantasies that we have created for them, collide together and come crashing down on top of us. The person we love, respect, and honor with every fiber of our being, betrays us with their imperfections.

Whether it is a father figure who doesn’t follow through with their promise, an aunt who has an affair, an uncle who cracks open our piggy bank, or a mom who goes back on her word, it is a moment that redefines the way we view them and the way we view the world. We feel the devastation of their decisions.  We take it personally and we hold it against them. We can let that one defining moment change the way we interact with others, cloud our judgment, or affect who we trust.

Out of all of the movies I have seen over the years, Crash is still the one movie that has had the most impact on my life. In most movies, we have good and bad characters. They remain that way from beginning to end. In Crash, the question of who is good and who is bad is blurred throughout the movie. Characters teeter on that line, fall over, and then jump over to the other side. It is a movie that shows that bad people do good things and good people do bad things. So much so, that there is no clear line that delineates who falls in what category We are all a combination of our choices, good and bad.

I grew up in a family where my dad would start a conversation with anyone. At the grocery store he called the check-out clerks by their names. He stopped people on the street to pay them compliments. He helped old ladies who were struggling with their grocery bags and gave them rides to their doorstep.

It’s been almost two years since my dad passed. But the side of him that I loved, was the side that would treat everyone the same, from homeless people on the street to kids in the neighborhood, to business men. He was by no means perfect, but he took time for people.

I grew up watching my mom and dad share a genuine concern for individuals. In turn, I took on an interest for people, for how they think, act, feel, and for what drives them, hurts them, and consumes them.

There is something about a stranger that allows you to forget about the insecurities, pretenses, and fears that you carry around on a daily basis. When I get on a plane or sit at a bar, I look at the person in the seat next to me as a new experience. And for as long as I can remember, strangers have always shared things with me that they have kept bottled up inside.

It is not a normal occurrence to share a beer with someone you have known for twenty minutes and end up talking about the most intimate details of your childhood. But for me, it’s as normal as it gets. People share, and I listen. I ask questions, I make connections and I walk away with a little piece of a person’s history. I have had life changing conversations with people whose names I sometimes know and sometimes do not.

It was my father that made me listen to Bob, the bipolar 67 year-old close talker. I intended to sit at the bar alone, and have a divine breakfast of Belgian waffles with warm syrup and fresh strawberries that I ordered from my barstool. But just as I reached for my hot chocolate, he came from behind me and said, “I’m going out for a cigarette.” It was as if we had come to the coffee shop together, as if I knew that the cane and the books and on the counter next to me, belonged to him. The man to the right of me said, “You just met Bob.”

My eyes were half-closed when I heard Bob’s voice again. I was taking in the sweetness of the strawberries and whipped cream.

“Having a big breakfast, huh? I just had mine. It looks good. Nothing like fresh strawberries.”

And with every sentence, the grayness of his beard came closer to my cheek, teasing me, threatening to let me feel its roughness. I chose not to ignore him. Instead I turned and looked at him, “You are right. Strawberries are the best.” It is a conversation my father would have started with a stranger and a part of me hoped that the stranger would show my dad the same kindness.

For some people, it is just another day.  For others, it’s the most dreaded day of the year.  Up until now, I have absolutely detested the day. Actually, the entire week was pretty awful for me. I hated the days leading up to Valentine’s day, the day itself, and every day of the week that came after it. If I wasn’t dating anyone, it felt like torture. I woke up in the morning with my mantra on the tip of my tongue, “I am going to be totally fine today.”  And by the end of the night, I was either in tears or hating on every couple that walked by.

In college, my entire dorm was filled with roses, candy, and giddy girls.  And then there is that moment that I would walk past the desk and think, “Maybe one of the 72 dozen roses behind the desk just might be for me.” They never were. So from sun up to sun down, I was surrounded by chocolate, huge cards, flowers of every variety, and snuggling couples. It sucked.

In the working world, it’s a different variation of the same thing.  It is very clear who is in a relationship and who is not.  And there is no getting around the fact that you are really hoping that somewhere, in some distant land, some secret admirer has decided to send you a box of Godiva chocolates. I did unexpectedly receive flowers when I was single. They turned out to be from my dad. Once I got past the fact that my I didn't have a secret admirer, I have to admit that my father did brighten my day.

When I was dating someone, I hated Valentine’s day just as much.  Looking back, the day was so awful for me because I chose to date guys who never, ever thought about me for 364 days out of the year. I was hoping that for just one day, maybe they would focus their attention on me. Instead, I received gifts that had nothing to do with me. I am really not a fan of chocolate covered cherries and teddy bears, yet those were the types of gifts that I received. They were gifts that celebrated the commercialism of the holiday, but not gifts that celebrated our relationship or anything I liked.

The best Valentine’s Day I have ever had was the weekend I met my significant other. We met for the first time on February 13^th. On the phone, he said to me, “So what should I bring you for Valentine’s Day? What do you like?” Because it was our first date, I didn’t think it was appropriate to bring a gift but he wouldn’t take no for an answer.  “Remember the hearts with “Be Mine” on them? You could bring me a pack of those for all I care.”  When he showed up, he had a card and a gift bag. He handed me the bag and said, “I bought every single package of sweet tarts they had.”  There where fifteen boxes of sweet tarts and on every box, he had written, “From K.B. to K.C.”

I have grown to tolerate Valentine’s Day. For me, the importance of the day has nothing to do with presents or gifts. It’s about the fact that I no longer fall prey to the emotional stress of one day.  One particular day, it hit me...there are millions of women getting gifts all over the world who have significant others who will go back to treating them terribly the very next day. For some couples, it's a show where the holiday plays center stage. That helped me to not freak out over what someone did or didn't buy me. It put things in perspective.

The unfortunate part about Valentine's Day is that it makes a lot of people feel like there is a huge spotlight shining down on them with sirens and red lights, pointing out the very fact that they are single. In reality, it's a day that a lot of people hide the fact that they are in unhealthy relationships that are covered up with candy and flowers.

It took me a long time to find a mate who changed the meaning of Valentine's Day. He doesn’t buy me teddy bears or chocolate covered cherries. Instead, he understands that love notes and little things aren't just for one day. Anybody can buy a dozen roses on February 14^th but a guy who can send you a Pablo Neruda poem on a Wednesday in July can make you feel more important than any Valentine’s Day gift in the world.  I wish someone had told me that a long time ago.

This past weekend, I was watching television. My channel surfing landed me on the Nat Geo Channel with a cheetah taking down a wild boar. I put the remote down and watched as the boar struggled and fought with this cheetah for over two hours. Just when the boar was ready to give up the fight, two hungry lionesses came out of the tall grass, chased the exhausted cheetah away, and took over the cheetah’s spoils.

All I kept thinking about was how much that had to suck for the Cheetah. She spent hours going after that boar, only to lose her reward to two lionesses who didn’t have to partake in even a minute’s worth of work. And that got me thinking about last week’s episode of ABC’s Scandal. If you watch the show, then you know that Fitz asked the First Lady for a divorce to be with his mistress, Kerry Washington aka Olivia Pope. Millie, (furious, frustrated, and in the middle of venting), screamed out, "I made him better and she gets to reap the benefits!"

If you are not a scandal fan, you can probably relate to the statement anyway. Either you have said it yourself or you’ve heard that same sentiment from one of your friends. The bottom line is when we put time and energy into a relationship, we want to be the person who claims all of the benefits. We introduce our significant other to new restaurants, new clothes, a new circle of friends, a totally different outlook on life, we help them excel in their career, we lift them up and place them in a waaaaay better position in life…. and then it happens…they break up with us, marry someone else, get engaged, or cheat on us. All of that effort, energy, money, and time is now wasted on “the new one.” Although this is a common perspective, it’s not at all how I view break-ups.

When you are a wealthy investor, the first thing you want to know is “What am I going to get for my investment?” In other words, you want to know what your return is going to be. The moment you expect a “return” from a relationship, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Months or years after a break-up, if I still hear things like, “When I first met him, he didn’t have anything! I taught him how to dress, I taught him how to eat…” (Zakia from TLC’s Starter Wives), that tells me that the individual went it with a grass-roots or start-up mentality and expected to come out with a company like Apple. Relationships are not non-profits or companies: there is no tax write-off or publicity if we build someone up. Nor are they vending machines: we can’t put in a commodity (money, time, resources) and expect rings, kids, love, or respect to be handed to us. If we focus on what we invested, we are probably not focusing on issues such as whether our needs are being met, if we share the same values and priorities, or whether passion and happiness exist on a daily basis.

You simply can’t judge a relationship based on how much “work” you put in. All that means is that somebody was “half” of a person walking into the relationship and you think you deserve credit for making them whole. It’s not credit that you deserve. What you really deserve is a stamp across your forehead that says, “I settled.” Because that is really what you did. You settled for someone who was not on your level, who did not have your interests, and who did not have your outlook on life. Instead of finding a whole person, you stayed with this individual, pouring your resources into what was really a “money pit.”

If you are still stuck on how much you did for an ex, that bitterness is keeping you from moving on. It’s human nature to make bad decisions but it is a choice to be angry, bitter, or to dwell on the past. Move on and find a whole person who already has what you are looking for.

I never know what I am going to find when my facebook newsfeed pops up. I love catching up with old and new friends but sometimes I am tempted to delete my account altogether. Why, you ask? Because some people abuse their facebook privileges by exposing every thought, meal, conversation, and every ounce of their relationship drama.

At times, I get confused and think I am watching ESPN as I am given me the facebook status play-by-play of break-ups, arguments, divorces, and incidents of infidelity. It's the kind of stuff that makes me sigh....very deeply.

For people going through those events, they are looking for someone to vent to in their personal times of anger, sadness, hurt, or shame. That is what a real friend is for. I'd like to make an announcement, people: Facebook, is not your friend! It is a tool that exposes all of your business to hundreds of people. It's like having a skywriting plane, a bullhorn, a billboard, and a television ad all in one. When your arguments are over and your breakups are finished, your entire network still remembers how you embarassed your partner, exposed your secrets, and gave away intimate details about things they never asked you about.

On facebook you can put ANYTHING in a status message and you are guaranteed to get at least one person to "like" your status or leave a comment in support of whatever you say. In a way, facebook lulls us into a false sense of believing that everything we write is validated, proper, and appropriate. What you don't see are the people who are deleting you as friends, hiding your status updates, or talking about how inappropriate you are to share what you did.

I often tell people that how a potential mate talks about their ex should be one of the factors you look at when you are deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship. If a person degrades their ex, calls them all kinds of names, and blames them for everything that ocurred in the relationship, consider that a red flag. You are next in line for that kind of treatment. Facebook is no different. A person who exposes their business to the online world will also do that to you. With that being said, facebook is not the place for your relationship drama. Buy a diary and use it.

I hate to admit it, but I am officially addicted to Catfish.  Not catfish, the Southern delicacy, not Catfish the movie, but Catfish the tv show on MTV. And with the news of Manti T'eo and the hoax played on him, the show is more relavant than ever.

Years ago, the show’s creator, Nev, developed an online relationship with a woman through pictures, facebook, and texting. He fell so hard for her that he was willing to move to Michigan to be with her. In the movie, Catfish, a film crew documented his relationship, his romance, and his quest to track down and meet his girlfriend.  When Nev finally met her, he found out that she had stolen someone else’s pictures and created a profile and life that were complete lies. He was heartbroken and devastated.

Catfish, the tv show, features individuals who elicit Nev’s help and support in finding out the true identity of the person responsible for thousands of emails, facebook messages, texts, or phone calls. Each episode introduces us to a new person who has been involved in lengthy, emotional relationship, who is anxious to see the person on the other side of the computer screen or phone.

Sometimes the person on the other side of the computer screen is a completely different gender than their profile portrays. Other times it is a close friend ashamed to reveal their feelings in person, an ex who is looking for revenge, a gay man pretending to be a straight woman, or a random person duping 5-100 people at the same time.

Couples on the show have fallen for each other for months or years without meeting. They have shared their fantasies, dreams, childhoods, and desires. They fall asleep on the phone, text each other, share “I love you’s or propose marriage to an image of a person they have never laid eyes on.  There are individuals who chase love and romance while they ignore, make excuses, or explain away inconsistencies or lies. And there are individuals who chase the idea of being loved who deceive, mislead, and lie to avoid rejection of their weight, sexuality, age, or gender. It is a collision of fantasy and insecurity on both sides of the screen.

It is easy to judge how a person could fall in love with someone they have never met, how they could fall for a connection created through keyboards and phone lines. But then we would have to place our own lives up for judgment.  We would have to ask how we suspend disbelief with real people, with our own friends, family, and significant others. All of us have dated people who have lied to us, led us astray, or taken advantage of our kindness. They were real, tangible people. We met their friends and family, shared beds with them, and planned a future together. Still, we let their words deceive us.

Catfish has a little of all of us in it.  When it comes down to it, all of us are looking for the same thing: the freedom to love, to be loved back, to be liked, to not feel alone, and to be vulnerable without feeling judged. Whether we are the deceived or the deceivers, we are all searching to find the real-life characters in The Notebook, Love Jones, Pretty Woman, and When Harry Met Sally. So the next time you rush to judge Manti T'eo or any other person who falls in love sight unseen, take a look at your own life, and think about what you are hoping to find in another person.  Chances are, it's the same thing they have been searching for. They just happened to go about it in a different way.

**NBC Producer Catt Martinez is looking for people who are in an online relationship, but have never seen each other in person. Is this you? Contact Catt Martinez at catt.martinez@nbcuni.com

A woman complained to me that her husband never made her a priority. His kids always came before everything and everyone, including her. Three years into their marriage, she wanted things to change. I asked her about how they met and she told me about their first date. When she arrived at the movie theater, he was there with his kids.

That first date told me everything I needed to know about their relationship. She was shown on the very first day that he had no intention of making her a priority in his life. She ignored that sign, continued with the relationship, and ended up suffering through a marriage where her greatest complaint was that she wasn't valued.

Instead of us having a conversation about her husband and how he never spent time with her or made her feel appreciated, we talked about her. We talked about why she continued a relationship with a man who brought his kids on a first date. He was open and honest about his priorities and she completely ignored his behavior. In the world of dating, ignoring someone's behavior equals acceptance.

I often hear from men and women about the things they want to change in their relationship. Nine times out of ten, they are the very things that were present in the relationship during the first two or three weeks.

The first few weeks of a relationship are the most important weeks of the entire relationship.  They predict your happiness, your sadness, how compatible you are, but more importantly, they predict the future of your relationship. Everything you are unhappy about will be magnified the harder you fall and the more interconnected your lives become. 

The moment something isn't working for you, you have the choice whether to speak up or walk away. If you say nothing, your significant other will equate that with acceptance of their behavior. If you demand something different, your significant other will either alter their behavior or let you know that they have no intention on changing who they are or what they do. Either way, you won't wake up years down the road in an unhappy relationship, praying for change.

Months or years into a relationship, you can't expect a person to change something that was there when you met them. It's like spinning in circles and expecting to walk in a straight line. The moment something is not working for you, prepare to communicate that. You and your significant other will be a lot happier in the long run.

In grad school, I worked a part-time job to make ends meet. On one particular day, I was responsible for notifying everyone of their acceptance into a highly competitive summer program. I drafted the email and instead of typing in 35 email addresses or creating a mail merge, I decided that I would insert every single applicants’ email address into the “To:” field and then delete the email addresses for those who did not get accepted. Here’s where the trouble began: I sent out an email congratulating every single applicant for being accepted, without deleting the email addresses for those who had not been accepted into the program.

As soon as I hit the send button, I knew I had made a mistake. My entire body completely shut down. Wide-eyed and frozen with fear, I realized that I had to tell my boss…immediately.

I ran into her office, apologized profusely and told her that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I was sweating, shaking, and completely terrified at what her reaction was going to be. When I finished, she paused, looked at me and said,]]>http://www.midlovecrisis.com/blog/rss-comments-entry-32403833.xmlbreakupsdatingdatingdivorceexmarriagerelationshipssigns you are overKristen CrockettFri, 28 Dec 2012 18:46:32 +0000http://www.midlovecrisis.com/blog/2012/12/28/signs-you-are-not-over-your-ex.html1087031:12588512:32283628

A few years ago, I was leaving a parking lot when the attendant just about lost his mind. He suddenly started stuttering and sweating. Why? Because I looked just like the girlfriend who broke up with him.

“Can I just get your phone number and call you sometime? You just look so much like her! Please?!”  

Seriously, dude? I am so glad that I have the same hair as her because that is just what I want…to be a constant reminder of a person who broke your heart. It makes me so excited.

I wish I could tell you that I was making this story up.

Gifts. It's that season again. It can be stressful to try and buy the right gift for your loved ones. For the next few days, I'll be talking about the art of gift giving.

Today's post deals with people who are never satisfied no matter how much thought you put into the gift. If you know a person like this, please read on.

For years, trying to find the perfect gift for my mother was the one thing that I can equate to hell on earth. Every year, for Mother's Day, Christmas, and her birthday, I walked around the shopping mall in a ball of angst and stress, hoping to please the mother who never really seemed very satisfied with any of my gifts. If it was an item of clothing, it wasn't her style. If it was a gift card, she complained it wasn't personal enough. Even though she was an avid gardener, if I sent her flowers, she would say, "Why spend so much money on something that dies in a week?"  And then one day, I had an epiphany. My mother did not want a traditional gift at all. I figured out that she feels loved and appreciated when I do things for her or with her.  A gift outside of those parameters is not as meaningful.

I now skip the mall completely.  When Mother's Day rolls around, you can find me in some old clothes, swatting insects and digging up flower beds in my mother's front yard. For years, she has been planting her own flowers. Now, that is my gift to her. She can appreciate her flowers for way longer than a week, without having to experience the aching bones and muscles that go along with crouching over in the sun and shoveling dirt.  

The key to people like my mom is finding a gift that either saves them time and energy or allows them the opportunity to spend more time enjoying life with the people they love. A great Christmas gift for my mom was taking her to New York on the train. We talked for hours on the ride up there and then spent the day visiting with family, checking out the window displays at Macy's, and watching the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall. 

The next time someone seems picky, think about whether there are other ways to make them happy outside of conventional gifts.

(Image is from istockphoto)

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

-Passage from Kahlil Gibran's poem, On Love From the Book The Prophet

To read the entire poem, click here.

For as long as I can remember, my brother has been fascinated with reptiles. At any given moment, a new snake would pop up in the tank in the corner of his bedroom. I would always follow him into his room and watch intently as he opened the brown paper bag and reached in with his right hand to grab the plastic bag of goldfish. I would ease up to the glass tank and watch with excitement as the garter snakes slithered over to their make-shift pond to satiate their appetite.

When a new snake accompanied my brother home from camp, I was unaware that change was coming. I followed my brother into his room and watched as he opened the paper bag. This time, he didn't pull out the bag of fish. I was hysterical with fear as I watched the baby mice, pink in color, whose eyes were not even open to see the fate that awaited them. I ran from the room, crying out for my father, screaming, "It's not fair! They are only babies!"

My father ran up the stairs to find me out of breath with tears streaming down my face. He sat down in the middle of the hallway, Indian style, and pulled me into the refuge of his lap. And for the next thirty minutes, we were the only two people who existed in my world...my father and I, along with all of the animals who encompassed a full discussion about the "circle of life."

My father found a way to expand the idealism of a five year-old to a world that included the harsh reality of gazelles and lions with a gentleness that can only be found between a father and his little girl.

What is a special moment that you remember or one that you have dreamed about having with your father?

__________

I spent the night with my parents, something I haven't done in years, despite living in the same city. I showed up, unexpectedly on a Saturday afternoon. My mom, peaking through the picture window, had the front door open before I even cut my car off.

After some trouble swallowing even the softest of foods, she called me last week to tell me about the "abnormal mass" in his throat.

I walked in to see an older version of my dad. In just a few weeks, his body had shrunk to a 40 year-old version of his former self...twenty-five pounds lighter. His voice and sense of humor...exactly the same.

In between laughs, scrabble, dinner, and breakfast, we discussed my parents' funeral wishes, in case that time ever creeps up on me. My laugh, my smile...did not match the sadness and agony I experienced during a conversation characterized by hymns, caskets, burial plots, ashes, and obituaries.

I returned home to a text from my dad, an incredible feat for a sixty-five year-old man:

"Thanks for your help, both yesterday and today. I love you. Let's do it again some other time."

Myth #3: My significant other has dramatically changed from the first few weeks but will eventually go back to being the person they were at the beginning of our relationship.

Imagine for a second that you see the previews for a movie and it looks fantastic. You wait weeks for it to come out. The day it is released, you call a friend, pay an outrageous amount of money for the tickets and some stale popcorn, and suffer through one of the worst movies ever made. After thirty minutes, you really hoped it would get better. After an hour, you figured that you had already wasted so much time that you may as well stay until the end. Two and a half hours later, you realize that you have just lost time that you can never get back. Driving home, you can't help but think, "But the previews looked so good," realizing that all the good parts were in the previews.

Some relationships can be just like going to a bad movie. In other words, you can experience an incredible trailer or preview of a person and then find yourself suffering through the relationship itself. You fall prey to a fantastic marketing and PR team disguised as the perfect man or woman. You spend a huge chunk of the relationship hoping it will get better. But just like that movie, you saw the best parts in the preview. The relationship itself doesn't hold a candle to the person you were originally introduced to.

With practice, your relationship and dating skills will improve. You will get better at choosing potential suitors instead of sticking with someone who is a taker and not a giver. We all eventually learn when a movie is simply a waste of our time, no matter how much we went through or gave up to be in the theater in the first place. But most of us are destined to suffer through a few incredible trailers that accompany some awful movies. Pretty soon, we will see that is better to grab our coats and exit the theater than to hope that it gets better.

Myth #2: "If you really love me, you will win me back once we have broken up."

Somewhere, somehow, we began judging whether someone loves us based on the reaction AFTER the break-up. Whether it is how much effort they put into winning us back or their speech about realizing how much he or she misses you -- this is what we often use to determine whether we should go back to our ex.

Regardless of how much time we spent feeling alone or unappreciated, how many Valentine’s Days we cried over when they didn’t bother to celebrate it, or how many times we felt disrespected or demeaned, somehow the effort they put in, (on the back end) pleases us more than the effort they put into the entire relationship.

It’s time to put an end to this kind of rationalization. One day of roses cannot and should not make up for weeks, months, or years of feeling neglected. One “I miss you” cannot and should not make up for unspoken compliments that you never received. One “I promise I will change” cannot and should not make up for countless days of inaction.

When someone breaks up with you, it is a natural response to “want” to get back together with them. And honestly, we really do want to believe that whatever they are saying or promising is true, because we have spent all of these months hoping for it. But separate the break up from the relationship. What you didn’t get in the relationship, you will almost never end up with.

When someone doesn’t see you as a priority, an ultimatum, a break up, or a conversation with them will not change that. People value what they value. Separate yourself from the stress, loss of sleep, tears, and hurt that are associated with giving to someone who is a taker. Instead of being reeled back into the chaos and disappointment, make a vow to spend your energy on someone who already knows what they have in front of them. Love is defined by how you feel when you are in a relationship, not by the promises and vows made to you after it ends.

Is this a blog post that you can personally relate to? Have you ever been promised in a break-up what you never received in the relationship?

In my teens and twenties, I held on to so many ideas about what relationships were, how I was supposed to be treated, and what it meant to be loved. In my thirties, I found out that almost everything I believed just simply wasn't true. They were myths perpetuated by everything from films, to romance novels, toxic relationships, cliches, and idealistic notions of love.

This week, I am featuring blog posts that focus on those myths.

Myth #1: "It doesn’t matter if my family doesn’t like you."

Truth: Yes, the hell it does!

When I was eighteen, I strayed from friends and family over my choice to date a particular guy. What is worth it? Absolutely not. I stayed waaaaaaay longer than I should have, just to prove to my family that I was right. Even when I started to have huge doubts about my relationship, I felt like I had to stay with him. After all, I had already been through so much drama that I felt I needed to also prove to myself that it was all worth it. I isolated myself from most of the people who truly cared about me. That feeling of being "on my own" led me to stay, even when my fingers were way beyond pruned.

Compare that to my current significant other. My entire family loves him. Before my dad passed away, he used to call me often to tell me what a great guy I had. My brothers love him, my extended family loves him, and my friends keep asking how in the world I managed to find someone just like me. The saddest part about this whole thing is that my mother calls him more than her own children.

The lesson I learned: It is a huge red flag when your friends and family don’t particularly care you’re your mate. Don’t bury your head in the sand. Loving someone is only part of a relationship. A person’s family will always be a factor in your relationship. When you do not get along with someone’s family, it makes the relationship that much more difficult. You will grow to dread holidays and family functions instead of enjoying your time together.

If you are a parent, watch how strongly you come down on your child’s choice in a mate. The more vehemently you disagree with the choice, the more likely your child will feel they have to choose sides. I hate to say it but when the lines are drawn in the stand, you won’t stand a chance.

If you are a child, (and by child, I mean ages 14 and up), don’t immediately discount other people’s objections. Love can blind us by allowing us to see the rose without necessarily seeing the thorns. Every person has both.

Share your thoughts and comments. Have you ever dated someone who your friends and family didn't like?

Stay Tuned for Relationship Myth #2: "If you really love me, you will win me back once we have broken up."

Writing your own online dating profiles can be challenging. It's hard to figure out exactly what you should include and what you should leave out.

The following is an actual online dating profile from a woman on a popular site. Nothing, including the grammar and spelling, has been changed. Please brace yourself and start reading:

HELLO EVERYONE... (INSERT A BIG SMILE HERE...)

I am looking for a down to earth brother but with a lot of attitude.. THIS WOMAN LIKES A MAN THAT IS A MAN.. I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT NEEDS TO WEAR A DRESS..Looking for a MATURE man to step up to the plate..but if you can not pick up the bat or lack the skills of the game.. please do not step up to my mound.. I am looking for excellent team members only...
.. A wonderful team player.. I am a scorpio woman and can give only one man 100% of me and my time..Only the serious men need to apply. If you are an attentive brother then please give me a shout. but be ready for what you ask for because YOU WILL GET IT.. IN THIS BALL PARK ALL THAT GLITTERS TRULY IS NOTHING BUT GOLD. HUMBLE BUT NON THE LESS STRAIGHT UP GOLD... SMILE

Sigh. Where do I begin. I guarantee you that this woman complains to her friends that she can’t find any decent, quality men online. I wonder why?

Whenever you write a dating profile, you want to convey specific characteristics to your readers that allow them to get a feeling for the kind of person you are. For example, you want them to know who you are. Are you funny or adventurous? Are you caring or generous? Do you love to laugh or travel? Here are some adjectives that describe what I know about this woman - she is demanding, judgmental, and has dating tunnel vision. In other words, she is looking for a very specific type of person... 3 in 500 million.

She said, "I am looking for a down to earth brother with a lot of attitude." Those two things don’t even go together in my mind. When I hear “down-to-earth”, it makes me think of sharing a beer with a person... someone who is easy to talk to about almost anything and non-judgmental. Down-to-earth with an attitude…this makes me picture a person who has some serious issues. One minute they will be laughing with you and the next minute they will be fighting someone at the bar for accidentally bumping into them.

"THIS WOMAN LIKES A MAN THAT IS A MAN. I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT NEEDS TO WEAR A DRESS." Before these potential suitors even get to know her, they can expect to have their manhood questioned at the door. That sounds like the most awesome first date ever—said no one, ever! And it’s in all caps, which means it’s really important to her because she felt the need to scream it to us in our very first introduction to who she is.

Men who share their feelings, communicate, and are sensitive will not be responding to this message. What happens when a sensitive topic is brought up or God forbid, they shed a tear in front of THIS WOMAN? Will she respond with, “Man up!!” This is not a person who sounds like they can deal with any other type of man except for one who wears jeans, kicks puppies, and flexes his muscles as he walks down the street.

No one wants to have to prove their manhood or masculinity at home, especially when they are over thirty. A few sentences later, when she specifically requests an “attentive” man, she should realize that men who are attentive are most likely also intuitive and sensitive to what is going on around them. A sensitive man, may not fit into her narrow, pocket-sized definition of what defines a man's masculinity.   

With this dating profile, she may actually get a few guys to bite. But not any guy who will take her seriously or who will genuinely be interested in getting to know her. 

Come across any other profiles that suck...feel free talk about them in the comments.

For tips on how to write dating profiles that DON'T SUCK, and avoiding the most common mistakes, check out these posts:

Dating Profile Mistakes Men Make (Her Perspective)

Dating Profile Mistakes Women Make (His Perspective)

It is a horrible thing for a child to feel like they can't act or speak like the person who created them.

A long time ago, my oldest brother said something to me that changed the way I view relationships. He said, “People have the power to choose who the mother or father of their children will be. Yet, every day, people give away that power. They forget about the traits and mannerisms that automatically get passed down and how they have the power to control that.” Those words have been stuck in my head ever since.

The world of genetics has a funny way of passing down things to us that are way beyond our control. Every woman on my mother’s side of the family laughs exactly the same. Everyone on my father’s side has a deep love of great music. When my oldest brother smiles, I see my mother. And when my mother and I are in deep thought, we have an inclination to touch our chin and then softly drag our fingertips back and forth across our lips.  The day that I saw my grandmother doing the exact same thing, I realized that even mannerisms can be passed down through generations.

We all share parts of our mom and or dad. Sometimes it is the way that we look. Other times, we are connected through our laugh, the way we communicate, our sense of humor, our handwriting, our traits, or through our artistic or musical talents. But the reality is that we inherit tangible and intangible things from our parents and extended family members. I’ve even seen it happen with a father and son who only met twice.

When people lose their spouse or mate through a tragedy or unexpected circumstance, they are left with the memory or gift of children that look or act just like the person they lost. But when the child is created through a dysfunctional, broken, or short-term relationship, those same looks or actions can be quite the opposite of a gift. Instead, you see the person who did not want you, who cheated on you, who abused you, or who left you. It serves as a constant reminder of your choice.

The words, “You look just like your mother” or “You act just like your father” can be a blessing or a curse to your children. And it is a horrible thing for a child to feel like they can't act or speak like the person who created them. Whether you are in a relationship or thinking about getting into one, take this time to understand the power you hold in determining what your children will be like. Regardless of how you raise them or talk to them, there will always be factors that determine their personality, their values, and their actions that you have zero control over. Everything from the way they stand, their sense of humor, their smile.... to things such as their temper, their attitude, and their gestures – can all be passed down from a parent to a child. 

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Initiative is the one characteristic that distinguishes a seat-filler from a great employee. They get paid to come in and leave at the same time, to do only what is specifically listed in their job description, and to never have a new or innovative idea. As a manager, an employee without initiative is the equivalent of being given a $200 million winning lottery ticket -- two days after the ticket expires. In other words, it sucks.

How can you identify these people? They say things like, “That’s not my job.” If you give them a project, they won’t work on it or turn it in unless you give them a specific deadline. In short, they don’t do anything unless you ask them to.

Imagine if the office had a fire and they had a fire extinguisher on their desk. As the entire office is on the street watching the flames and smoke bellow out of the windows, their response to why they didn’t put out the tiny fire in the microwave would be, “You didn’t ask me if I had a fire extinguisher.”

In a relationship, a person without initiative can be just as irritating. Remember the cartoons from childhood? A person is dying of thirst in the desert and just when they can’t take it anymore, they see a lake full of crisp, blue water. Just as they are getting close, it turns out to be a mirage. The lack of initiative in a mate is just that: an illusion of a real partner. Just when you think you have someone to help you out, be your better half, make decisions, and help with the chores, you don’t. You have a person instead of a partner.

Think about whether you would want your potential mate as a co-worker or business partner. Because at the end of the day, running a household is a business. The bills need to be paid on time, the laundry needs to be done, the house needs to be cleaned, and food needs to be on the table. Beyond that, there will always be things that come our way that are not explicitly in our job description. Our parents get old, relatives pass away, illness and disease happens. If your mate can barely handle the here and now, how can you expect them to handle the unknown issues and dilemmas that will definitely come your way?

Whether the situation is professional or personal, we all have to decide whether we are okay being (or being with) a seat warmer or an illusion of a partner. The choice is ours.

Just ten minutes later, it was all gone. It was as if it never even happened. Had I hit the snooze button just one more time, I would have missed everything.

Timing can be a bitch. Nothing is more important when it comes to dating and relationships. You can be compatible with someone in five hundred different ways. You can enjoy their company, love their sense of humor, and feel that no one else gets you like they do. You can love their family, have the same taste in music, and love to do exactly what they love to do. But at the end of the day, if the timing is off for either one of you, all of that goes out of the window. 

When the timing isn’t right with someone, your emotions nag you with feelings of being unfulfilled and uneasy. Your happiness is inconsistent. Today you feel like the luckiest person in the world and tomorrow…not so much.

There is no doubt that one of the worst feelings when it comes to love and dating, is having to break something off because of timing. Two years from now, they may have their sh*t together, be out of school, have more time for you, be over their last relationship, grow more secure in who they are, have their finances together, or be ready for a long-term relationship. But right now, at this moment, they don’t. And there is no guarantee that they will in the future. While there is no magically perfect moment where the heavens open up and tell you that this is the right time for you, for them, and for your relationship, there are certainly moments that are way better than others. You’ll always know when that moment comes. Trust your instincts. Don’t settle for interrupted happiness.

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Every single morning, the right side of my car almost gets taken off by drivers who interpret the sign telling them to “yield” as a green light. It’s huge, it’s red, and it even accompanies another small yellow sign next to it that says, “No merge area.” Still, most drivers pay absolutely no attention to the sign. And every other week, I drive past an accident.

Traffic signs are no different from the signs we see in relationships. We choose to see them or not see them. And they are all open to interpretation. Some signs are subtle and can be explained away. They show up like a sun shower in July and then disappear. Others are not so subtle. They resemble wrinkles on our finger tips from staying in a relationship too long. They can be loud and glaring and yet we can still tell ourselves to ignore them or make them into something they are not.

Our conscience is our brain’s way of trying to lead us in the right direction. Sinking feelings, nerves, anxiety… those are all a way for your sixth sense to quietly tap you on the shoulder and whisper in your ear, “Something doesn’t feel right.”

Unfortunately, most of us try our best to ignore our inner voice in relationships. There are hundreds of ways that we do that; Keeping ourselves busy with work, pouring ourselves into our children, straying away or cutting off friends and family, going out, substance abuse, taking up hobbies…anything and everything to prevent our brains from having a quiet moment to breathe and consider possibilities. As long as we can cloud our inner voice or keep it busy, then we won’t have to listen to it….or so we think.

Listening to your inner voice is the key to finding happiness. When you ignore it, you suppress not only your “Something doesn’t feel right” voice, but you also suppress inner peace, happiness, and comfort. You exchange all of that for temporary peace and temporary happiness that comes to you in small doses. What ‘doesn’t feel right’ still catches up to you, whether it is in your dreams, through the voices of your children, friends, or family, or in the moments when you are sitting in the same room as your significant other and still feel lonely.

Take a moment, breathe, and listen to your voice. You can’t ever outrun her/him. You can only try.

Have you ever ignored your inner voice? Tell us about it.

1. The Unexpected Love Note

Leave littles notes for them telling them how much you appreciate them. They can be short and sweet like, "Thank you for listening to me last night. I love you!" or "Thank you for giving the best hugs." Leave the notes in places around the house they are sure to look. Attach a post-it note to the remote, tape one to the bathroom mirror, or leave it on their pillow. You can also hide them in their pocket, briefcase, shoes, or laptop.

2. Surprise Them With a Card

Don't wait for a birthday or anniversary to purchase a card. Head to the store and pick up a "Just Because" card for your significant other.  I am also a sucker for a great homemade card. Grab a piece of paper, some markers, and create your own personal message. Choose a theme like: "I Love You Because..." "Five Reasons Why You are Great" "What I Miss About You When I am Away From You."

3. Leave a Message On the Mirror

Use your finger to write a message on the dry bathroom mirror. When your significant other steps out of the shower later that day, the steam will show your secret message. Crayola also makes window markers. You can purchase a pack from Amazon, write your message on the mirror, and easily clean it off with a damp paper towel. You can simply write "I love You", leave a romantic poem or quote, or make a list such as "The Ten Things I Love About You..."

4. Make Their Day

Pick a task or chore that is a part of your significant other's regular routine and do it for them. Whether it is filling up their gas tank, doing a load of laundry, packing their lunch, washing their car, or getting the kids ready in the morning, choose something that will make their day easier or ease their stress.

5. Bringing Home Their Favorite Something

Bring home their favorite drink from Starbucks or their favorite candy, childhood book, bottle of wine/beer, chocolate, flower, or magazine. A gift doesn't always have to cost a lot of money to be appreciated because it shows that you pay attention to the things they love the most.

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