Evelyn Lozada makes it very easy for people to hate her. After all, she does a fabulous job of seeking out women who won’t fight back to pick on, demean, and bully. She leaves most people wondering, “What is she on?” After watching Iyanlya Vanzant’s new show, Fix My Life, we know. The answer: Evelyn Lozada is on that ish we refer to as daddy issues. She joins the countless men and women who suppress the pain, hurt, and feelings of abandonment through anger, screaming, and rage, otherwise known as “the adult temper tantrum.”
Daddy issues are comparable to a cancer. They can start one place in your body, like in your feelings, and spread to every other imaginable and unimaginable area. They can affect how you interact with men, women, family, and co-workers. They can leak into your relationships, your job, your workplace, and finally settle into how you raise your kids. The common denominator is that they leave us feeling unlovable. Walking the earth not feeling worthy of love is perhaps the worst type of purgatory that a child or adult can face. At the end of the day, no matter our race, gender, nationality, or culture, we all want to be loved.
If you know anything about trees, you know that a tree’s roots are twice as long and deep as the height of the tree itself. If there is one lesson to take from Evelyn and her behavior, it is that deep at the root of our behavior, is our childhood, our parent’s relationship, and our desire for our own father to make us feel loved.
You must be taught to be unlovable.
And we have mastered the lesson.
Our fathers, former students, have become the teachers,
Through unintended lesson plans with the i’s of illegitimacy and insecurity dotted.
We are very intimate with childish games.
They jump in and out of our lives like a game of double dutch and
We are unable to dodge the sting of Their absence.
Our birthdays share the relevance of Wednesdays.
We ingest our sadness with cake and ice cream
And allow it to eat us from the inside out.
We bring our insecurity blanket for show-and-tell
Which keeps us warm,
Far into adulthood
And becomes a hand-me-down for our own children.
Shame is our second-skin.
We wear it to graduations, football games, and dances.
We must be taught to be unlovable
And we have mastered the lesson
That 2 + 1 does not always equal three when a child is born.
That sometimes we grow up to feel like ½ a man
And a fraction of a woman.
Carry the remainder of pain into every relationship
Without factoring our division into the equation.
We then become the teachers to our children,
Because we have mastered the lesson so well.
© Kristen Crockett